How to Support a Loved One in a Cult, High-Control Group or Controlling Relationship: Why Change Starts with You

Helping someone in a coercive relationship starts with choosing a new path yourself.

When someone we love is caught in a manipulative or coercive situation—whether it’s a high-control group, an abusive relationship, or a cult—it’s natural to want to jump in and fix it. We want to shake them awake, pull them out, get them to see the truth. But more often than not, that approach backfires. Anger pushes them further away. Pressure deepens the divide. And even the best intentions can be misread as control.

So what can you do?

Here’s the hard truth: if you want your loved one to change, you may have to change first.

This is one of the most important lessons I’ve learned in working with people affected by coercive control and psychological manipulation. You can’t force someone out of a controlling situation, but you can create the conditions that make leaving possible. And those conditions often begin with you.

Here are some of the key internal shifts that make a real difference:

1. Let Go of the Fight

It’s tempting to argue, to send articles, to fact-check every claim your loved one makes. But facts alone don’t break through manipulation. Relationships do. If your loved one feels attacked, they’ll likely retreat deeper into the system that makes them feel safe. Let go of the need to win. Focus on staying connected.

2. Practice Nonjudgmental Listening

This isn’t just about hearing them out. It’s about truly listening. That means setting aside your own fear and frustration long enough to get curious. Ask questions without an agenda. Let them know you’re a safe space, even if you don’t agree with them. This kind of listening builds trust, and trust is the key to eventual change.

3. Ask Better Questions

When someone is in a high-control situation, they’ve often been taught what to think, not how to think. Instead of debating their beliefs, try asking open-ended, compassionate questions. For example:

• “How did that make you feel?”

• “What drew you to this group in the beginning?”

• “What are you hoping for right now?”

Questions like these invite reflection and agency without triggering defensiveness.

4. Process Your Own Emotions First

Before you can be a source of support, you need to tend to your own grief, anger, and fear. It’s okay to feel hurt. It’s okay to feel powerless. Find your own outlets—therapy, peer support, exercise—so you don’t unload your pain onto the person you’re trying to help. Supporting someone in a manipulative relationship or cult-like environment can be exhausting. You deserve care, too.

5. Redefine What “Helping” Means

Helping doesn’t always look like action. Sometimes it looks like waiting. Like keeping the door open and the lights on. Like offering a connection without conditions. Like believing that change is possible, even when you can’t see it happening yet.

If You’re Supporting a Loved One in a Cult, Controlling Relationship, or Manipulative Group… You’re Not Alone

At Counter, we support people navigating all aspects of psychological manipulation and coercive control. Whether you’re trying to leave a high-control environment or you’re a family member watching someone you love slip further away, we’re here to help. Our toolkits, blog posts, and peer support services are designed to meet you where you are.

Get in touch with us to learn more, ask questions, or talk with someone who understands. Change is possible, and connection makes it easier.