What Is Lost? Why People Join High-Control Groups (And What We Must Offer Instead)

What is Lost? Community. Time. Wonder. All the things that connect us.

People don’t join cults. They join movements. Friendships. Ideas. They search for something meaningful. Something that fits. Something that fills in the ache that our world has left unaddressed.

Again and again, I have seen people pulled into high-control groups and manipulative relationships by the same fundamental needs:

Community. Connection. Purpose.

And, more subtly, but just as urgently:

Time. Attention. Wonder.

These are not optional extras. They are essential. If we don’t have them, we suffer. If we are offered them, especially by people who claim to know the answers (cult leaders, charlatans, manipulators), we often say yes. Sometimes that "yes" comes at a cost.

If we want to help people recover from manipulation, if we want to protect others from falling into it, we have to ask the right questions. And one of the most important is this:

How can we ask people to leave if we have nothing better to offer on the outside?

This question has haunted me for years. It is the reason I do the work I do. Because without understanding what is lost, not just in recovery, but in the world as it stands, we can’t build anything better. We can’t even begin.

Over the next few weeks, I’ll be writing a series of posts for Counter exploring these lost elements: community, connection, purpose, time, attention, and wonder. This first post is an introduction drawn from my own lived experience, the stories I hear in my work, and what I’ve written about in my book and toolkits.

Why Understanding Motivations Matters

It is easy to look at someone who has joined a cult, a high-control group, or an extreme ideology and say: How could they? But this question often hides another one: How could I not? How do any of us resist the lure of clarity, belonging, love, and purpose (no matter how false) in a world that so often withholds these things?

The answer, for many, is that we don’t. We find something that offers what we crave, and we say yes. Sometimes that yes is detrimental and takes us to places we shouldn’t be. But we say it anyway. We say yes to community, to purpose, to being seen. And if we want to truly understand why people stay in high-control environments, we have to understand what those environments are offering in abundance that the outside world so often withholds.

When I joined a cult, I wasn’t stupid. I wasn’t naive. I wasn’t broken. I was seeking. I had lived a thousand lives already: figure skater, actor, raver, witch, event planner, dreamer. Nothing had ever really fit. I was unmoored and aching for direction. And when my leaders offered me community, connection, and purpose, wrapped in attention, time, and a sense of wonder, I was ready.

They filled a need, until it hurt.

The recovery process is hard, not just because of the damage that was done, but because of what was lost. All that time, attention, meaning, and mystery that felt so real, was it all a lie? If it were, what could replace it? I tried desperately to find the same kind of connection out in the world, but so much was missing. There just wasn’t enough time or commitment to building something on the outside that matched the energy and intensity I found in the cult.  

That’s what this series is about. What’s missing in the world that draws us toward manipulators in the first place, and what we continue to miss after leaving high-control groups behind.

In the posts that follow, I’ll explore each of the following:

• Community: What it offers, why it matters, and how manipulators create a counterfeit version that feels like home.

• Connection: What it means to be seen, to matter, and why we crave closeness and connection even when it costs us everything.

• Purpose: Why we want to be useful, meaningful, part of something larger, and how high-control groups exploit that longing.

• Time and Attention: The currency of cults. Why slowing down, focusing, and being deeply present makes us vulnerable, and also human.

• Wonder: The forgotten motivator. Why awe, mystery, and the divine matter in recovery and resilience.

And finally, I’ll close the series with a deeper exploration of the question:

What Do We Need to Offer?

Because it’s not enough to critique cults, it’s not enough to help people escape. We have to build something better. Something more beautiful, more human. Something worth staying for.

And that starts by asking: what is lost?

Begin the Conversation

At Counter, we are committed to helping people understand and recover from cult involvement, manipulation, control, and coercion. Whether someone is struggling with a high-control religious group, a hate or conspiracy movement, a manipulative MLM, or an intimate partner relationship marked by coercive control or trafficking, our work centers on understanding the motivations that draw people in and the tools needed to help them out.

If you or someone you love is navigating these challenges, explore our free toolkits and resources or book a time to chat. 

Stay with me, and stay curious.

Let’s ask what is lost so we can begin to offer something better.

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If you or someone you love is navigating coercive control or recovering from a high-control environment, you are not alone. Explore free resources and toolkits at www.countermanipulation.com, and follow the rest of this series as we explore connection, purpose, time, attention, and wonder.