Why Don’t They Leave? Understanding Why People Stay in High-Control Groups and Relationships & How to Help

When leaving feels impossible, understanding becomes essential.

“Why don’t they just leave?”

If you work in this space, you’ve heard it too. It echoes through conversations about cults, extremist groups, trafficking, and intimate partner controlling relationships. To those on the outside, the solution seems obvious. But from inside? The idea of leaving can feel unthinkable.

When I was in a high-control group, the concept of leaving felt as distant as another planet. Not because I didn’t want peace or freedom, but because I couldn’t see a way out. I couldn’t imagine another life. And more than that, I didn’t think I deserved one.

This is the reality for many people trapped in manipulative or abusive systems. They aren’t weak or brainwashed or foolish. They are surviving. And survival, in these situations, can look a lot like staying.

Let’s break down why leaving is so hard and what you can do if someone you care about is trapped in a manipulative group or relationship.

Why People Stay

These reasons don’t stand alone; they overlap, reinforce each other, and evolve. That’s part of what makes leaving so complex. Although this is not an exhaustive list, it can start to give us a glimpse of understanding into some of the reasons someone might stay. 

1. It’s Their Entire World

In cults, extremist movements and manipulative relationships, isolation is strategic. You’re cut off from outside perspectives, relationships, and even your own thoughts. The group or manipulator becomes your family, your truth, your compass. Leaving means losing everything, sometimes even your sense of self.

2. They’re Dependent

In controlling relationships, trafficking situations or highly isolated cults, survivors often rely on the abuser or group for housing, money, food, documents, or even access to their children. Leaving could mean losing basic survival resources or custody.

3. It’s Dangerous

Leaving is not just emotionally difficult; it can be physically dangerous. From cult leaders to violent partners to extremist recruiters and traffickers, control is often enforced through threats or force. Many people stay because they fear retaliation. That fear is real and so is the danger.

4. They Believe the Group is Right

Manipulative systems don’t just demand loyalty; they shape belief. Whether it’s religious salvation, moral superiority, or spiritual enlightenment, many survivors are taught that the group is the only path to goodness. Leaving can feel like falling into sin, failure, or damnation.

5. They’ve Never Known Anything Else

For people born into cults or raised inside controlling environments, there may be no “before” to return to. Abuse is normalized. Doubt is sinful. Everything is structured to prevent imagining another way of life.

6. The Outside Feels Scarier

High-control groups often rely on xenophobia and paranoia: The world is evil. Everyone is lying to you. They hate us out there. This fear can keep people locked in long after trust in the group has started to break down. 

7. They’ve Already Lost So Much

Many survivors have sacrificed careers, family, friends, and years of their lives. It’s devastating to realize it was all for nothing. The sunk cost fallacy keeps people stuck: If I leave now, what was the point of everything I gave up?

8. They Don’t Know How to Leave

Even if someone wants out, they might not know where to go or whom to trust. They may not have ID, access to a phone, or even the language to name what’s happening to them.

9. They Don’t Want to Leave Others Behind

Especially in cults or trafficking situations, survivors may be deeply connected to others inside: children, partners, friends. Leaving can feel like abandoning loved ones or betraying a shared dream.

10. They Think They Can Fix It

This is common in intimate partner controlling relationships: the belief that things will get better, that love can heal it, that maybe if I just try harder, they’ll change. This hope, though often born from manipulation, is deeply human.

11. They Don’t Believe They Deserve More

Abuse and manipulation can erode a person’s self-worth until suffering feels not just normal, but deserved. Some survivors come to believe they are broken, bad, or beyond saving, that freedom, safety, and happiness are for other people, not for them. This belief can keep someone trapped long after the door is technically open.

12. There's Nothing Better on the Outside

For some, the outside world offers no real safety, community, or meaning. Leaving a high-control group or relationship can mean stepping into profound loneliness, poverty, or alienation. If the world beyond is indifferent, harsh, or empty, staying, despite the harm, can feel like the lesser of two evils. It’s not always that people are pulled toward control; sometimes, they have nowhere else to go.

How to Help

Helping someone leave isn’t about forcing them to “wake up.” It’s about walking with them, patiently and consistently, until they’re ready and making sure they have somewhere to land.

Here’s what helps:

Practice Exit Safety Planning

Help them imagine a way out, safely. Counter’s Toolkit for Identifying and Countering includes a detailed guide to safety planning. Start with ensuring they have secure communication, essential documents, a place to go, and people they can trust.

Get Curious About the Root

Instead of saying “You have to leave,” ask: "What’s keeping you there?" Their answer is your guide to where the fear or dependency lives and what needs the most care.

Be Non-Judgmental

Shame pushes people deeper into secrecy and denial. The more open and compassionate you are, the more space you give them to reflect honestly.

Stay Connected

You may be the only person outside the group or relationship they still trust. Don’t burn that bridge. Keep the door open, even if they’re not ready to leave yet.

Become a Trusted Messenger

To help shift belief, you have to become someone they trust, someone who is informed, consistent, and clearly on their side. Don’t argue, don’t contradict; become the person they come to when things start to crack.

Ask Gentle, Theoretical Questions

Sometimes the first step out is imagining the possibility:

• What do you think would happen if you left?

• What would your life look like without them?

• What do you wish people understood about your situation?

• What advice would you give to someone in your situation?

Let questions be an invitation, not an interrogation.

Final Thoughts

People don’t stay because they’re foolish. They stay because they’re afraid. Because they believe. Because they’re surviving.

The question isn’t: Why don’t you just leave?

The question is: How can we create a world where leaving is possible, safe and supported?

And until then, we must be the steady voice that says: You’re not alone. There’s a way out. And when you’re ready, I’m here.

____

Want to learn more about supporting someone affected by manipulation or coercive control? Visit www.thecounterproject.org for free resources, toolkits, and peer support services.