Reclaiming Time: Healing from Time Loss After Cult and High-Control Experiences

Time doesn’t seem the same after loss. How can we rethink it?

Time is one of the greatest casualties of cult involvement and high-control relationships. For many who exit manipulative environments, time loss becomes a quiet grief that lingers, often unspoken, but deeply felt.

In the aftermath of cult recovery, it’s common to feel like your life has been derailed. You may find yourself haunted by questions like, Where would I be if this hadn’t happened? or What could I have done with those years? This sense of dislocation, of being “behind,” is real and painful. You may mourn missed milestones: a career path abandoned, relationships never formed, time with family lost, or simply the loss of your own moments of growth.

In my own experience recovering from a high-control group, I felt consumed by the idea that my leaders had stolen my twenties. Instead of growing, I spent my time with them shrinking, distorting myself to fit their image. Even after I left, the trauma held me back, extending that time loss into my recovery itself. I was angry. I grieved. And eventually, something shifted.

Mourning Time Lost, Honouring What Remains

Healing from time loss doesn’t mean pretending the damage wasn’t real. It means grieving fully and honestly, while finding room to reframe. Time spent in a manipulative group was not your fault. And it wasn’t “meant to be.” But it’s also not time you have to throw away.

We resist this idea because it feels like saying something good came from something bad. But that’s not what healing asks of us. Healing asks us to learn, not to excuse.

Even in darkness, we may have discovered something vital: our capacity for love, our hunger for meaning, our strength to survive. Those parts of us aren’t damaged. They’re ours.

So yes, you may mourn the lost time. You may always mourn it. But you can also begin to ask: What did I learn about myself in that time? What knowledge did I carry with me through it? How can I use that knowledge now?

Understanding Time Differently

Much of the pain around time loss comes from the rigid timelines modern society imposes on us. By a certain age, we’re “supposed” to have a job, a partner, a home, a purpose. But these expectations don’t account for interruption, survival, or transformation.

What if time isn’t linear?

In Western culture, time is often seen as an arrow, always moving forward and measuring progress. But other cultures view time as a circle, a spiral, or a web of connection. Even physics tells us time bends and stretches under pressure. And what could be more pressurized than a high-control experience?

Learning to see time differently has helped me reclaim my story. My years in the cult are not just a blank spot on my resume or a pit of regret. They are a chapter I lived. One I now write from, speak from, and grow from.

Why Cults Offer So Much Time, and Why That Matters

One of the seductions of cults and high-control relationships is the abundance of time. Unlike the rush of modern life, where no one seems to have a moment to listen or reflect, manipulative groups often offer the opposite: endless attention, deep conversations, a sense of spaciousness.

At first, this feels radical. They make time for you. They see you. They invite you to slow down and engage. But over time, that very attention can turn suffocating, obsessive, and controlling. The gift of time becomes a tool of manipulation.

What’s important to understand is this: cults fill a void. And that void often exists because the world around us fails to offer enough time for connection, purpose, and reflection. If we want to prevent manipulation, we need to start offering more of what people are seeking when they fall into high-control groups or relationships. One of those things is time.

Reclaiming Time in Small Acts

You don’t have to rebuild your life overnight. You don’t have to catch up. Healing from time loss happens in moments, in slow, deliberate breaths.

Take time to look at a tree. Call a friend. Sit with a cup of tea without checking your phone. Say yes to one community event. Take a single moment to breathe. Stare out the window. Let yourself feel that there is still time. That time can be yours.

These small acts are not small at all. They are acts of rebellion in a world that teaches us to rush, grind, and perform. They are a first step toward healing and toward reclaiming something precious that was taken from you.

Supporting Recovery from Time Loss

If you or someone you love is recovering from a cult, high-control relationship, or manipulative group, know this: healing from time loss is possible. At Counter, we offer free resources, including a comprehensive Toolkit for Recovery designed to help mental health practitioners support exited individuals in their recovery.

Here are a few practices from our toolkit that may help:

• Allow yourself to grieve without a timeline. Time loss is real, and mourning is different for everyone.

• Explore mindfulness practices to reconnect with the present moment.

• Redirect “if only” thoughts with care. What happened to you was unfair, but you are here now, and you still have time.

• Set small goals to reconnect with your identity and passions.

• Begin to imagine your future, not based on lost years, but on the time you have now.

You are not alone. And you are not too late.